So much to say...

Wow, where to even begin. I am so far behind there's not even much use. But I'll make a stab at it for all of you out there who, for some reason, think it interesting to read my thoughts.

So much has happened in my life over the past couple of months, and the great majority of it centers around one thing: waiting.

I like to think of myself as a patient person, and in fact I have been told on many occasions that this is the case. Well throw all of that crap out the window because right now I am really tired of waiting, especially for something you then find out isn't going to happen.

I can honestly say that I have never felt so uncertain about my future (I mean, I don't even know what tomorrow will hold). I have continued to struggle with a general lack of friends and support here in College Station. I desperately miss the fellowship and uplift that my network gave me. It was really only during my last couple of years in school, once God began to really show me what a life apart from sin and spent serving Him was like, that I even had close friends who could build me up and then suddenly all of that was ripped out from under me.

Let me just tell you that it is really weird to be a recent college grad in this town. You don't really feel like hanging out with the "young ones" still in college and you don't really feel old enough to be hanging out with the "older ones" (particularly true at church where the singles department is great but scary to say the least - ask me about THAT one. There are days when my one desire is to just get out of this town, away from all that I know, and into somewhere new where I can start fresh, join a new church, make new friends, and just lead what would seem like a more "normal" life.

Then the next day I wake up and think - "gosh, I better not get too far from here, I can live here so cheaply, and I have a church family that loves and cares for me. A church where I can serve and, during this time, when I feel so desperately far apart from God, a place where I can get the kind of consistency and support that I really need." And thus the tension ensues. And the very things that were a result of, or perhaps were part of the beginning of my long struggle with some habitual sin are now, like it or not, back - the loneliness, the isolation, the feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. And with them, I am once again struggling to know God, to bring Him glory and live a life worthy of the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross for me, a life away from sin.

I lay in bed last week one night, it was about 3 in the morning, and the movie Big Fish was just ending. I just started sobbing, crying out for help, for strength and forgiveness, for peace. I think my tears were multi-faceted. I suddenly began to miss Nanny, who died this March, so very much. I miss being the one who could do no wrong in her eyes. It has been so long since I had them, but I miss her chocolate chip cookies, her pound cakes, her hugs. I miss the gleam in her eyes when I walked in the room and the smile I could always bring to her face no matter how bad things were for her that day. But even more so, I began to see how wretched the life is that I am living. How unfair and wretched the facade that I put on each day truly is.

I claim to be a Christian, but I have no relationship with my Christ. I am as spritually empty as the gas tank of the car in my driveway. I am so mad at myself that I have let Satan get such a toe hold in my life once again, that my effectiveness for Christ is at about a zero, and that because of all of this, the one thing that my heart desired more than anything, to return to Austria for mission work, is not going to happen. I cried tears of frustration and weariness last week, as I am crying now, for a very long time. I feel like such a failure. Not in the eyes of man, but in the eyes that are far more important - the eyes of my God and my savior. How much time have I wasted and swindled on the pleasures of this world and the temporary "happiness" that they bring, time that I could have spent on things that would reap eternal benefits and rewards.

So here I am. In College Station. Jobless. And with no earthly idea where to go from here. No idea what to look for in a job. No idea what kind of job to look for. No idea where to look. No idea if I will ever get to go back to Austria. No idea if I will be able to set aside my pride long enough to admit defeat, ask for help, and meet new people who can share my burden. I feel like a nervous wreck. I long for peace. I crave understanding. I need God.

that's all.