well i almost died at the grocery store last night. Some guy came up to me as i was loading my groceries at the Bryan HEB. It seemed he had his two small children with him (conveniently in the back of the truck he gestured towards, which by the way, was missing the back window) and explained that they'd been in an accident on HWY 6 on their way back to Houston. He was short just 7 MEASELY dollars to get a hotel room because they couldn't get back to houston for the night. I told him i didn't have any cash...which, all right, was a lie. I did however offer to get them some food (after all, we were at the grocery store) so he reluctantly agreed after more attempts at convincing. So I asked what he wanted. The list was fairly simple: bread, meat, chips, oh, and mayonnaise. The guy had the nerve to ask for mayo. So I was going to go back in to get the stuff, i honestly was - but they'd closed. So instead I dug through the groceries I'd just bought, with him right over my shoulder. I gave him the loaf of bread i'd just purchased and some string cheese - that was really all I had that would be any help...then got in my car to call my friend who was inside, she and her roommate were just a little bit behind me and I wanted to warn them, and let them know I'd wait to make sure they were ok. As I was doing that he asked some other woman for help - who just blew him off - and then some other guy came out of the store with a couple of bags of groceries. I think they both saw me on the phone - probably thought i was calling the police - and then they got into the pickup (which did have the back window busted out) and drove off really slowly and suspiciously. He probably wrote down my license - I'll be dead by tomorrow. It was all really bizarre, and as much as I wanted to help and believe his story, I don't give out money to people like that...they'll spend it on drugs, alcohol, or sex.

It's sad that as a society, first of all, we would lie about such things to try to take advantage of people. And secondly, that we cannot trust people enough to believe them and offer them help. It's times like this, like the times I've fallen into sin and temptation for the 500th time, that I just look towards Heaven and say "can't you just go ahead and come back?" The world is so broken. I am so broken, and I long for that day.

that's all.

colors...

So a friend sent me a survey on facebook for a study she's conducting. Interesting. First of all, is this really credible data? Second, what the heck are you doing that requires you to garner this info from people? I don't know, but I'd rather have done that in school than what i did do. Anyway, it's interesting. I'll post my answers here and then each day for a week we'll add a new color and get your definitions:

1. teal: A variation of a green-blue combination, with more green than blue. Darker than torquise or aqua, teal has more of a black undertone

2. Crimson: A vivacious and vivid red, with a hint of orange, which indicates a certain level of passion, vitality and life, though not as bright as scarlet.

3. Khaki: a grey-brown or a white-brown, a dark "canvas" color often seen in clothing and reflected in the rugged nature of the clothes. Neutral and boring

4. chartreuse: A bright yellow-green color, not quite "lime" - more on the yellow side and not quite as pleasing to the eye.

5. magenta: A saturated pinkish red color, almost "neon" in nature, but more bold, less "bright"

6. cornflower: a timid shade of pale blue with a tiny hint of purple, lacking the boldness of kobalt, azure, or royal, cornflower is nevertheless a soothing and pleasing color.

7. periwinkle: a pale Purplish-Blue shade. A very "natural" but light color which has a hard time standing up to the bold colors of the rest of this list, it gets it's name from the petite flower of the same color.

8. maroon: A deep brownish-red color, associated with Texas A&M University. Aggies are said to metaphorically "bleed" this color, though in all honesty everyone's blood is fairly maroon in color.



Today's color: Fuschia.

GO!

that's all.

sounds fishy to me...

Back in the day I had a pet Beta named Wilson. After about 3 years Wilson went to meet his Maker and had a nice ceremonial flushing at the house on Sterling. So this week, as I sat at home for about 22 hours out of each day, I thought to myself. "Self, I wonder if it might be time for you to get a new fish?" I never answered.

so should I or shouldn't I?

that's all.

runnin'

So I just got back from a little run. I would take a picture of myself for you to see, but I'm pretty sure you'd have nightmares for a while...maybe for life. Suffice to say that it is FAR PAST time for me to get back into the running scene, but my plan is for tonight to be a new leaf o'erturned in my life. Your responsibility as a reader of my blog is to call me (on a daily basis if you are so inclined) to ask about how my run for the day was. If due to some odd circumstance we, together, discover a day when I did not run or do some comparable "healthy" activity regimine, you are hereby authorized to verbally assault, accost, and otherwise humiliate me (in the case of an in-person encounter, physical brutality is also acceptable) as necessary to ensure that I stick to this. My state of necessity has arisen from unwanted weight gain/maintenance at a weight higher than I desire, a decision that I need more physical activity to sleep well at night, and a general need for energy release in a positive fashion, besides I need to get out of the house more.

Thanks for your kind words...each day is a lesson needed to be learned. It's hard, but with Christ I can do it...

that's all.

So much to say...

Wow, where to even begin. I am so far behind there's not even much use. But I'll make a stab at it for all of you out there who, for some reason, think it interesting to read my thoughts.

So much has happened in my life over the past couple of months, and the great majority of it centers around one thing: waiting.

I like to think of myself as a patient person, and in fact I have been told on many occasions that this is the case. Well throw all of that crap out the window because right now I am really tired of waiting, especially for something you then find out isn't going to happen.

I can honestly say that I have never felt so uncertain about my future (I mean, I don't even know what tomorrow will hold). I have continued to struggle with a general lack of friends and support here in College Station. I desperately miss the fellowship and uplift that my network gave me. It was really only during my last couple of years in school, once God began to really show me what a life apart from sin and spent serving Him was like, that I even had close friends who could build me up and then suddenly all of that was ripped out from under me.

Let me just tell you that it is really weird to be a recent college grad in this town. You don't really feel like hanging out with the "young ones" still in college and you don't really feel old enough to be hanging out with the "older ones" (particularly true at church where the singles department is great but scary to say the least - ask me about THAT one. There are days when my one desire is to just get out of this town, away from all that I know, and into somewhere new where I can start fresh, join a new church, make new friends, and just lead what would seem like a more "normal" life.

Then the next day I wake up and think - "gosh, I better not get too far from here, I can live here so cheaply, and I have a church family that loves and cares for me. A church where I can serve and, during this time, when I feel so desperately far apart from God, a place where I can get the kind of consistency and support that I really need." And thus the tension ensues. And the very things that were a result of, or perhaps were part of the beginning of my long struggle with some habitual sin are now, like it or not, back - the loneliness, the isolation, the feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. And with them, I am once again struggling to know God, to bring Him glory and live a life worthy of the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross for me, a life away from sin.

I lay in bed last week one night, it was about 3 in the morning, and the movie Big Fish was just ending. I just started sobbing, crying out for help, for strength and forgiveness, for peace. I think my tears were multi-faceted. I suddenly began to miss Nanny, who died this March, so very much. I miss being the one who could do no wrong in her eyes. It has been so long since I had them, but I miss her chocolate chip cookies, her pound cakes, her hugs. I miss the gleam in her eyes when I walked in the room and the smile I could always bring to her face no matter how bad things were for her that day. But even more so, I began to see how wretched the life is that I am living. How unfair and wretched the facade that I put on each day truly is.

I claim to be a Christian, but I have no relationship with my Christ. I am as spritually empty as the gas tank of the car in my driveway. I am so mad at myself that I have let Satan get such a toe hold in my life once again, that my effectiveness for Christ is at about a zero, and that because of all of this, the one thing that my heart desired more than anything, to return to Austria for mission work, is not going to happen. I cried tears of frustration and weariness last week, as I am crying now, for a very long time. I feel like such a failure. Not in the eyes of man, but in the eyes that are far more important - the eyes of my God and my savior. How much time have I wasted and swindled on the pleasures of this world and the temporary "happiness" that they bring, time that I could have spent on things that would reap eternal benefits and rewards.

So here I am. In College Station. Jobless. And with no earthly idea where to go from here. No idea what to look for in a job. No idea what kind of job to look for. No idea where to look. No idea if I will ever get to go back to Austria. No idea if I will be able to set aside my pride long enough to admit defeat, ask for help, and meet new people who can share my burden. I feel like a nervous wreck. I long for peace. I crave understanding. I need God.

that's all.